I’ve decided to give myself something of a pre-test, as a starting point for this philosophical nitpicking I’m undertaking. When you’re going to learn something, first you find out what you know, in order to find out what you don’t know, yes? So the next few entries will be dedicated to finding out exactly what I do know, and where the holes are.
I’ve divided my little pre-examination into a few different categories. Before I begin, though, I want to toss a little invitation out there. If at any point y’all have questions, or you feel like playing devil’s advocate, or you just want to challenge me, feel free. While I ultimately will figure this all out in my own head, a sounding board or ten won’t hurt. So drop me an email or a comment or whatever you like should the urge strike you.
So, let’s hit religion first. Or, more accurately, spirituality, since I haven’t met a religion yet that suited me in the least.
I believe in a greater power or creative force that made the world we know. I am not sure if it is a personified God, or a unity of consciousness, or an intangible, guidable force without motivation. Right now, I believe that there is an underlying meaning and direction to things – not necessarily fate or destiny, but some order to the universe.
I do not believe in general Christianity or the Bible as it reads now.
I need to learn more about Eastern spirituality, particularly Taoism and Zen, and find out if my niche lies there or if it must be entirely of my own creation. I am drawn to Taoism for its simplicity and balance and lack of rules, but still lack enough information to make a real decision.
I believe there has to be some form of continuation after this body is dead, partly because I need to believe that, partly because it just makes sense to me. I cannot conceive of me ending. I am afraid of death and the unknown factor of what lays beyond it. More accurately, I am afraid there is nothing beyond it. I need to believe there is something, to not be afraid.
The goal of determining my beliefs in this area is to have a foundation for how I choose to live, and to conquer my fear of death, if that is possible. I honestly don’t know if it is, to be honest. I think that if I truly believed for certain that there was something after this, I wouldn’t be afraid. Or at least not terrified. It would be more like uncertainty or nervousness, not this mind-numbing, spirit-choking horror that I feel now whenever I allow myself to think about it for too long.
But even if it’s unconquerable, which it certainly seems to be sometimes, there is still value in getting off the fence on this. It’s hard to feel “grounded” without a solid spiritual foundation of some kind. When the unseen is so vague and chaotic to me, it makes the solid, tangible things a little shakier, too. It makes me feel worried and afraid, out of control. It makes me doubt the capacity of my mind. Relief from those things is worthwhile in itself.
