So I’ve arrived. It still feels a little surreal, but not much. Shaie is like a stranger and a lifetime friend at once. To see her face is a joy to me, but still a little new and unusual, finding a tangible expression of the person I’ve come to love so much from so far away. Yesterday when we were talking, I closed my eyes for a moment, and listened to her voice, to sort of reorient myself, remember who she was. I heard the same voice that’s comforted me and cheered me on so many occasions, and when I opened my eyes, she was real to me.
I love her apartment, too. There’s so much light, and it has just the sort of comfortable charm that makes a place beautiful to me. Particularly this window down the back stairs – it’s one of those old style wooden frame windows, with the metal handle to pull it open. I went down there to smoke this morning, and there’s just something about sitting in the morning light, with the cool air blowing in through the window, completely alone, writing. It’s so peaceful, and I found myself feeling something utterly rare for me.
Solitude. I didn’t feel lonely or sad, I felt peaceful. Uncomplicated. Comfortable with myself, enjoying the solitude. It’s so unusual for me to feel that way, because for me, usually, being alone signifies something that is missing. It makes me feel bereft. Not so today. Nothing was missing from my life, it’s all still there, I just wasn’t currently there. I was here, and it was okay.
Flying yesterday, when it wasn’t horridly uncomfortable in the way that only a 24-seat, cram-packed flight can be, was interesting. It always surprises me to look down from way up high, and see the order and artistry of the ground. It looks so…non-random. Some places, like Colorado, look startlingly symmetrical from above, with defined edges and colors. Utah from above is like an oil painting, abstract and fluid, but it still looks almost planned, blended intentionally. Being so far away, yet so close to the world, is a heady feeling for me. So lovely, this place we live. So big and so small at once.
Sometimes, when I look at a beautiful juncture of trees, or the face of a friend, or the land from far above it, it is hard for me to not believe in some order to the universe. Some grand unification theory. Image may be NSFW.
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Something that ties it all together.
It’s amazing how getting away from those parts of my life that cause me stress or pain jump-starts my love and exhilaration for being alive. Like an instant infusion of joy. A rare peace, a calm happiness. Here, far from my own life, I can step back and see its beauty, and how fortunate I am to live it. Perspective is such an amazing thing. In the truest sense, perception is reality. What is real to me, to my heart, is somehow truer than what is proven or accepted.
